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Tips on: How To parent your child

From a non-parent

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    Babies LOVE this! and it actually builds their neck muscles makes them grow faster!

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    Why would you use a sterile pacifier when you could let them chew on the bottom of your shoe and build their immune system at the same time!

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    Really? How is peak a boo going to teach your child anything. Nothing better for your child than a competitive game of chess

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    Mom nursing baby isn't a bad idea, but dad nursing the baby is a better idea

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    How is pounding the kid in the head/ back ever a good idea? Just give him a shot of Jack Daniels and he will be asleep in no time!

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    The little merry go round on the ceiling only works for so long. Try putting a tv in their crib and you won't even know they are there for hours!

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    You can try all the animal puppets you want, but the best way to make a kid smile is to force your kid to smile! it's that simple!

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    Nothing teaches your child to bond better than a cup of coffee and gossiping about your girlfriends at the dinner table. Why should your kid be left out on all the gossip. Your husband doesn't want to hear it!

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    I don't know why people spend so much money on elaborate cribs when a dresser drawer will work just fine! ... and it's a lot cheaper. They will usually fit in the drawer until they are at least a couple years old.

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    How would you like a turkey baster stuck up your nose? Just go up in there and get it.

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    Introducing a dog to an infant can be a VERY dangerous situation. Introducing your child to fish = Harmless!

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    Why put pieces of plastic in an outlet that a baby can choke on when you can just take the outlet out completely. In fact you can even perm your childs hair if you stick a fork and let it grab a hold!

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    Now this is where I advise caution. You don't want any babysitter watching your baby. If you hire some college aged hussy you never know where she could run off with your child to. You hire a homeless man he won't run far and he has no where to take them. Right!! exactly!

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    Always use caution when buckling up your child in an automobile. With all these child seat recalls you are safest by putting bicycle helmet on your kid and strapping him in with the seatbelt itself. I prefer duct tape in the back seat because it has a far superior hold to a seatbelt.

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    How is taking a peak going to solve anything? Just reach down in there and pull that s**t out!

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    How are you ever going to know if you put enough alcohol if you don't taste it! COME ON!

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    Who wants to drink milk. Poor kid! I'd rather have me some PROTEIN.

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    Save money on those baby wipes and just use your skirt.

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    What baby can't get out of a crib eventually. By the time they are 8 there will be no keeping them in it. I recommend getting a nice ventilated kennel with plenty of food and water. They can survive in there for a couple years as long as you check their food and water.

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    Wouldn't want their face to freeze. Bundle em up so they are nice and warm and if you have a stick nearby you can sling it over your shoulder hobo style. Simple parenting!

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    Everyone wakes their baby with gentle kisses, but using an airhorn to wake your slumbering little bundle of joy will increase alertness and decrease the desire to fall back asleep.

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    Nothing like giving the little tike the first hand experience at learning how to grocery shop

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    Nothing is going to build strength and healthy work out habits like starting them out at the gym early.

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    Massaging a baby with the thumb is like asking someone to massage your back with their pinky. COME ON! Nothing says deep tissue like a good karate chop!

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    drying a baby can be so time consuming. I recommend throwing em in the dryer. All you have to do is toss a bottle of baby powder in there with them and they come out all fluff dried and smelling great!

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    How is patting your child down with a wash cloth ever going to sterilize anything? Take them out to the front lawn and hose em off. For that added shine you can use a little upholstery cleaner and wet black to get them sparkly clean!

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    This gallery is created as a joke and is in no way intended to betaken as a literal way to parent your child.